Our Young Women's president moved to California last week. And before that, the 1st counselor moved to Arizona. So for a while I was highest ranked member of the presidency. To be honest, I totally thought the Bishop would call me to be president. I got no sleep on Saturday night after Bishop called and asked to speak with Ben and I. Turns out, it's not me, I was called to be 1st counselor. To be honest, I feel a little deflated. I got myself all worked up about it since finding out our president was moving. Everyone else kept telling me jokingly that I was going to be called as president. I am glad I'm in Young Women's. I was just looking forward to being in charge a bit. There's a lot of administrative stuff that just isn't getting done. Our opening exercises are terrible (the girls do NOT know how to give a spiritual thought), attendance is not being taken, there aren't any class presidents, and personal progress is not being done (or at least no one is recording anything). We also need to visit the inactive girls. There are a lot of (to me) excuses about how we all have young kids and cannot visit, and the adviser wants to be reimbursed for gas money if she has to pick up and drop off girls from activities (I think it should just be considered service). I am hoping those issues get addressed as a new presidency. The new president is the wife of a counselor in the bishopric, and they seem to really have their act together.
Babysitting is going well. I'm happy to be earning some money. Having Gavin around is good for James, and allowing him to learn more social skills. Of course, the amount of talk back from James has noticeably increased. Gavin is always tattling about something or telling James he is not the boss. So James has picked up on that language, but it was going to happen if he went to school in the fall anyway. The one thing I really don't like, is that Gavin is not fully potty trained. I'm not really sure what it is. It might be that they won't just go cold turkey, and he still has pull-ups. It might be his split living situation with his divorced parents, and then additionally coming to my house. He has accidents, big ones, at least once a week while I watch him. He will go potty if I remind him, but he doesn't go on his own, and only #1. He doesn't care if he goes #2 in his pants. I have yet to see him go #2 in a potty at my house. This is all foreign to me. James cared deeply about upsetting us. If James had a accident, at least he tried to get to the bathroom but just didn't get there in time. And after a week, we were 100% potty trained night and day. I'm not really sure what my place is with Gavin. Do I tell his mom what to do? How do I disciple Gavin when he fails to even attempt to go potty in the bathroom? I feel for his current situation, and I know it can't be easy being shuffled from one house to the other, but the kid is almost 4 and wont be allowed in any preschool next month if he doesn't figure this out. Any potty advice for me, or that I could pass on would be helpful.
It's hard when some things (church, work, etc) aren't getting done, esp when we feel like we could be making sure that they are. Sorry about your prior frustrations with the YW presidency. As I grow up, like I discussed in a previous post about do-over callings, it's also difficult to be on the other side of this - realizing what more could have been being done. I hope this next presidency works well! Congrats on the new calling. And BTW - I'd personally be wetting my pants at the idea of being YW president! You're crazy, girl! The presidents I've worked with I tell this calling is like having a full time job, the kind with tons of overtime. I literally could not do it, at least not near as well, while I had young kids around.
ReplyDelete*Breaking my response into two because it was too long ;-)*
Glad things are going well with Gavin. I know what you mean about being a little disappointed when our kids pick up poor habits or phrases from others. I've had that issue with nursery, then neighborhood kids, and eventually school. But you're right, it's something that's just going to happen unless you completely isolate your child in a bubble. At first, because you can identify the influencer, it's easy to become annoyed at them for it. Eventually, James will have more influencers than you can reasonably come up with, but in the mean time, keep on remembering that it's just part of living in a social world. Re: the potty training, that one's rough. Though not completely uncommon at his age. First, I would advise NOT to "tell his Mom what to do." I know you didn't mean it like you'd boss her around, but if she's like most people, unasked-for advice is not received as well as genuinely asked-for advise. It could just make things awkward. Second, you have to remember that James learned the way he learned as a different individual, at a different age, with different motivations and learning style and personality. You can't offer advise on how to train Gavin because you've never trained Gavin before. You can, however, probably do this: ask his mother about what kinds of techniques she's tried, and what she'd advise YOU to do in certain situations. And then try to closely follow her plan even if you feel quite sure it isn't working well. If his mother has no solid plan going, I would ask her permission to try x, y, or z technique while he's in your care. If you ask right, you'll avoid implying that she's doing something wrong, you'll avoid putting it in a way that might make her defensive, and instead just acknowledge that "man, Gavin sure is a conundrum. I wish I knew what way he best learned from" or something. Like it's YOU who doesn't know the best way to reach him, and not that there's a lack of structure in his life or parenting or that he's a pill or whatever. Does that make sense? Put it on YOU, like you're the one trying to figure out a good groove with him. Lastly, I finally read my first potty-training book with Kieran, which was called "Oh Crap, it's time to Potty Train" or something like that. I can't compare it to any other book or resource, but one helpful chapter in MY case, was doing the potty-training with caregivers. I thought that his training would be the hardest because of needing to get others involved, but he was actually the easiest! I'm pretty sure he was the easiest because it was the first time I was forced to come up with an actual plan (which was then laid out for the caregivers) instead of just winging it like I'd done in the past. It sounds like with James you were able to do the latter because he was SO easy and was easily motivated. If Gavin's Mom doesn't have an actual game-plan, (and if she does, you should definitely know about it because its success is largely influenced by consistency in all homes), then I think you should research plans yourself before you approach her with your ideas. Winging it, or trying to motivate Gavin in the ways that motivated James, are unlikely to work with Gavin. Anyway, just my two cents. Love ya Dev!
ReplyDeleteI love Heather's thoughts and want to add two more. First, Logan was four before I trained him. Lots of boys are slower. And second, family and personal trauma absolutely affects potty behavior for months. When Logan was born Hannah started having daily accidents for two months, and she was five and had been trained for years. So the behavior is really just a signal that something stressful is going on in his life that he is struggling with. What he needs is love, kind words, and not to ever feel embarrassed. If you can help with stability and consistency that will help him tremendously (thus, have the conversation Hez recommended). I wouldn't expect a miracle. I would expect a good six months at least while he processes his life. Having a place to be where emotional tension is minimal will be an immense blessing to him. I would give him lots of hugs and lots of patience and kindly remind him of appropriate behavior with especial notice of all the good choices he makes.
ReplyDeleteAnd James will be fine. It sounded exactly like life when Nicole and her two girls moved in. LOADS of tattling and new mean names and bad words learned. My kids never permanently adopted those behaviors though. And Gavin can learn what is acceptable at your house. He will adjust accordingly.
I think it's great that you can help this family out with your sweetness and solid family life.
I absolutely LOVE how you girls support and encourage each other.
ReplyDeleteI read that potty training book as we started with James. It was so helpful!
ReplyDeleteI maybe didn't make it clear. I don't plan on just handing out unsolicited advice. I wouldn't want that for myself, so I don't plan to give potty advice to her either. When she comes to get Gavin on Wednesdays, she stays and we chat for a bit. The potty training is usually brought up as I give her updates and tell her how he did that day. She has asked me what I did with James, and what I think about Gavin's potty training. That's when I'm not sure what to say.
Potty training someone else's child is tough business. I would ask the mom what she recommends to help Gavin at YOUR house. If she doesn't have ideas, then give her some ideas of what YOU would do at YOUR house to help him. If she signs off, you're good. :) Children are smart and figure out there are different rules at different houses. Make your rules consistent when it comes to potty and other areas and he'll catch on. Remember he isn't James and the same things won't work. My two girls are complete opposites and they are both mine. My parenting style has to be different for each child or it's just that much harder on me. Good luck! Hope you find some things that work!
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